What Senior Leaders Get Wrong When Giving Feedback

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Ever feel like an employee is afraid of your feedback?

Many senior managers may not know the cause of this problem, but the effects are obvious. Team members hesitate to bring up issues, so they don’t get solved. Instead of gaining insight and visibility into the team, you work harder and communicate less. So what gives?

Is it something you said?

Well…yes, in a way.

I’ve seen many senior executives and business owners deliver well-meaning evaluations that still create defensiveness and kill motivation. And it starts before they ever say a word.

Before I address the content, I focus on the one factor that determines if their message gets buy-in or falls flat: their mental framing of the feedback.

The Evaluation Before the Evaluation

Leaders don't want to hammer their employees with negative feedback. They typically have capable, valued people on their teams who occasionally make a mistake.

But in the moment of that mistake – and what it has cost – the broader picture disappears. The frustration shows through their face, body language, and tone of voice.

So before constructive criticism, you have to set the tone for the meeting.

Spend a few minutes reminding yourself why you value this person. What do they contribute? What would be missing without them? Operate from that frame – not the mistake, not the frustration. When you do this properly, it shows up physically: your posture opens, your face relaxes, your voice changes. The person across from you picks up on all of it before you say anything.

If you're struggling to get there, don't force it. Step back further – think about someone you care about, something you're looking forward to, anything that shifts your state. What matters is not what’s in your head, but how it plays out in your face, voice, and body.

Now you’re ready.

Your Mindset Speaks for You

One business owner I worked with was preparing for a routine update with a team member. He was dreading it. He knew they were afraid of his feedback.

So he anchored himself in the right frame of mind and delivered the same points, both positive and negative. Importantly, during this mental reframe, he smiled.

The difference was immediate. The conversation he'd been putting off became productive, and left his employee motivated instead of deflated.

This mindset says more than your words. Once you internalize it, finding the right words becomes easier than ever. You scarcely have to change any of them.

Well – except one.

Drop the “But…”

We all say it constantly. And it makes perfect sense on the surface: we’re transitioning from good to bad, so we need a word to reflect that.

Wrong.

When giving feedback, this framing negates previous praise or recognition. Even if we intellectually understand the shortcoming, having it explained with this wording is inherently demotivating. It even changes the demeanor and tone of the evaluator.

Instead of setting up a contrast, set them up to buy in – to build on what they’ve done. For example:

Your work on that client proposal was strong. Now, let's look at how we handle the handoff to the production team.

Now you're building momentum. Instead of bracing for impact, the other person is leaning in. That shift does the work for you instead of undoing what you’ve already started.

Feedback Should Make You Want to Improve

People can feel when you are on their side helping them step it up. Master the mental reset before a constructive critique, and your team will see a leader who believes in them and is guiding them toward success.

Don’t sweat the exact words. Drop the but or however and let the rest do the work for you. Above all, keep your employee’s value top of mind. The more you focus on that, the more effective your feedback becomes, and the more they buy into their own improvement.